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Name: Conkers.

Age: Introduced to the UK over four centuries back.

Appearance: Nature's Labubu.

That can't be accurate. It is. Go and watch a social media video of someone revealing a conker, and you’ll probably hear them refer to it as “nature's Labubu”.

Opening up horse chestnuts? What on Earth are you talking about? Oh wow, you are definitely not up to date, aren’t you? Young people are using social platforms to film themselves removing conkers from their prickly shells.

But why? Due to the feeling of amazement! When you open up a conker, you can't predict what you’re going to get. Could it be large? Will it be flat? What will its shine level be? It is similar to a surprise package every time!

Are Labubus big and flat and shiny? No, they’re somewhat eerie dolls that have become highly sought-after because they are sold in mystery boxes.

Can someone please tell the younger crowd that they are not using conkers correctly? Is that so? How do you play with horse chestnuts, then?

You put a shoelace through the middle of them, and try to destroy everyone else’s conkers. Is that true? That’s unusual.

Yes. Your odds improve if you leave it in vinegar and then heat it in the oven. You're not joking?

Seriously. And should you gather an excess, you can hurl them across the playground and all the other kids will fight each other for them. A beautiful, natural thing like a conker, and you use it as a tool for battle? A weapon that comes with a long set of arcane and bewildering rules?

It’s traditional! The King recently awarded the World Conker Championships with three hundred horse chestnuts! At least young people are just recording videos.

How are you unaware of this? Probably, because some schools started banning conkers twenty years back, due to various health and safety fears.

Today's society always surprises. Maybe revealing horse chestnuts just doesn't appeal to you. In which case, perhaps you would be better suited to some other hot new gen Z trends.

Oh really? Like what? Well, there’s this thing called yarn work, and something else called clay crafting that I can explain to you.

Those hobbies are ancient! Let me guess, you boil the needles in cider and then use them to poke each other?

No! OK, relax. I assumed that all older generation's pastimes involved violence in some form, after that conker thing.

This is overwhelming. Take a breath. If you need me, I’ll be unboxing seeds for clicks.

Appropriate comment: “TikTok can’t stop filming conker reveals.”

Don’t say: “That's crazy.”